June 25, 2009

BY DARLENE DONLOE

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

At a recent book signing for his tome “Saving Our Daughters: From A Man’s Point of View, Vol. 1,” author Curtis J. Benjamin, actors Nia Long and Gary Sturgis, and about 80 girls from local Boys and Girls Clubs held an open discussion about the issues surrounding father-daughter relationships.

Although some of the girls were a bit timid about the subject matter, Benjamin, who gifted each girl with a copy of his book, shared what he has learned with an audience that he hoped would find it beneficial.

He told about how some men aren’t comfortable talking about certain subjects and how the gender gap often gets in the way. He spoke about daughters feeling more comfortable talking to their mothers and how men should make a concerted effort to communicate and bond with their female offspring.

Held June 19 at the Barnes and Noble bookstore at The Grove in Los Angeles, the packed pre-Father’s Day event sponsored by T-Pain, Rihanna and Sean Garrett, was a precursor to what Benjamin hopes are open and honest discussions about the sometimes-complicated father-daughter issue.

Pointing the finger at himself, the 42-year-old father of two daughters and a son is surprisingly candid about his past shortcomings as a parent. 

“I used to act a fool,” Benjamin said. “It was during my first marriage and unfortunately my antics affected my relationship with my daughters. I’m not a fool anymore.”

Recognizing that he needed to work on himself before providing life lessons to his children, Benjamin, who has since remarried, set out to improve his relationship by seeking the advice of psychologists, as well as other fathers who may also be confronted with the same father-daughter concern.

First presented as a panel discussion between celebrity African American fathers and 100 mothers and daughters, “Saving Our Daughters” has blossomed into two books, with a third expected some time next year.

Admittedly, Benjamin said he wrote volume one of his paperback in an effort to make amends and to prove to his daughters and himself just what kind of man he is and the kind of father he could be.

“I wanted to let them know I’m sorry for what I’ve done in the past and to show them how fathers need to be,” Benjamin said. “I wanted to do the first book about what daughters go through with domestic violence, molestation and the other different things girls go through and to let them know that as fathers we’ll be there to support them.”

Benjamin, who is also executive director of It’s Cool To Be Smart, (a mentoring program for teenage girls), is a big fan of Tyler Perry films and wanted to do something based on the movie, “Daddy’s Little Girls.” He sent a proposal to Roger Bobb, who is a single-parent father and an executive producer at Tyler Perry Studios.

“He was very supportive and appears in my second book,” Benjamin said. “He understood that this book is about helping both fathers and daughters. Fathers can influence their daughters in so many profound ways.

“We have to build up our girls, spend time with them and listen. It’s our job to prepare them for what to expect from men when they go out into the world.”

The first book encourages African American fathers to take a leadership role in the lives of their daughters, and includes stories and anecdotes from male celebrities, analyses from psychologists, and statistics on father-daughter relationships. It was co-written by Karen Watts.

Some of the statistics in the book are:

• Children raised in homes without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty.

• A Columbia University study found that teens in single-mother households are 30 percent more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than kids in two-parent homes.

• Information from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services shows that kids without fathers are twice as likely to drop out of school. Girls raised without a father face a greater risk of teen pregnancy.

There are a number of studies that indicate an early father-daughter relationship is crucial to the growth and development of a child.

To aid him in his effort, Benjamin enlisted the help of rapper T.I., producer Sean Garrett, NFL star Deon Grant, actors Anwan Glover and Gary Sturgis and more.

His intent, said Benjamin, who has held several book signings around the country, is to give the often-overlooked male perspective on raising daughters.

In the book, T.I. writes: “My daughter has to know what the world is really like. She has to know what you can do and what you can’t do. It’s my job to teach her.”

Many of the Girls and Boys Club members were intrigued at the concept of Saving Our Daughters.

Michelle Garrison, 16, one of the girls who attended the event, hopes to one day major in business administration at Cal State Long Beach, or become a professional basketball player in the Women’s National Basketball Association.

“Having attended this event, I now understand how daughters benefit from having caring fathers and male role models in their lives,” said Garrison, who added she has an uncle who is a positive male role model in her life.

Kim Richards, the executive director of the Carson Boys & Girls Club, described all of the girls as “diverse, full of potential, and filled with a capacity to succeed.”

“Many lack a caring adult in their life on a consistent basis,” Richards said. “About 65 percent or more are from low-income families and more than 35 percent are from single-parent homes. For many of the club kids, Boys & Girls Club’s staff are the primary caring adult in their life. Many of the girls and teens that we serve lack a father figure in their lives.”

Nia Long, who was raised by a single mother, addressed the teens and stressed a need for them to have high self-esteem, self-worth, and a positive outlook on life regardless of their present circumstance.

“I think it’s a good thing that people are waking up and that someone has taken the initiative to do a book like this,” said Long, who has a 9-year-old son named Massai and who also appears in Benjamin’s second book, “Saving Our Daughters: From A Man’s Point of View, Vol. 2.” “Something like this has been on my heart for a long time. As a parent, I think the most important thing I’ve learned is being patient. It’s to live in the moment with your child. We’re always in a rush to go somewhere and do something.  And when I say, ‘OK, I’m going to be patient and let this be about him,’ I learn more about myself and about him.”

Although he doesn’t have any daughters, the 42-year-old Sturgis, who has two sons ages 11 and 16, is teaching them how to deal with girls on a constructive level. He said after hearing about Benjamin’s project, he had to get involved.

“Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is,” Sturgis said. “There is no handbook on how to be a good parent. Once you have your own kids, you’ll learn a whole bunch about life you didn’t know. In my case, life didn’t matter to me until I had children. I didn’t really look at tomorrow. When you grow up in poverty you don’t look at the future, you just look at what’s going on at the time. But, once I got kids, I had a reason to live. It’s no longer about me. I’m here for them.”

For more information on “Saving Our Daughters: From A Man’s Point of View,” visit www.amans pointofview.org.