BY CRAIG WASHINGTON

Within the span of two weeks, two children were sacrificed by our inaction and our tacit incitement of all boys to target their peers who are too soft.

Their schools, the bullies, the parents who raised the bullies and the prejudices of our society forced upon them the wretched choice that a cat on a hot tin roof has: jump off or burn.

Recently, Carl Joseph-Walker, an 11-year-old junior at New Leadership Charter School in Springfield, Mass., hung himself. He had undergone a year of daily teasing about being gay. Carl loved sports and was active in his church and other community organizations. Such attributes in a boy often generate wide acceptance among peers. This was not so for Carl, whose classmates called him “girlie,” “gay” and “fag” and threatened to beat him up.

His mother, Sirdeaner L. Walker, had alerted school authorities and was not satisfied with their response. While preparing to attend another meeting to address the issue, she found Carl hanging by an extension cord on the second floor of their home.

A week later, a DeKalb County, Ga., fifth-grader, Jaheem Herrera, was discovered by his 10-year-old sister Yerallis hanging from a fabric belt in the bedroom closet.

Jaheem faced a barrage of insults from other students at Dunaire Elementary about being gay. Yerallis had witnessed her brother’s harassment and often rushed to his defense. Jaheem’s mother, Masika Bermudez, had complained to the school which by state law has an anti-bullying policy.

Like Ms. Walker, Ms. Bermudez was not satisfied with the response from the school where her son was verbally tortured to the point of taking his own life. While these tragedies are layered and complex, they hold certain lessons that are sharply apparent. Neither Carl nor Jaheem reportedly self-identified as gay. But we do know that words can hurt, even though we still pass on disproven adages about “sticks and stones.”

From the classroom to the playground, in the work place and the locker room, “fag” is a universal device used to terrorize all males into upholding an acceptable presentation of gender. Simply put, the programmed fear of being called a “fag,” or suspected of actually being homosexual, drives boys to constantly assert their masculinity and suppress any of their ways that might be considered too feminine (dancing, showing emotions other than anger).

The connection is clear: From boys to men, our obsession with the “fag” is not just about a homophobia, although that is an inseparable element. Our crippling masculine anxieties are grounded in our cultivated fear and disdain of women and all things feminine.

To substantiate the link between homophobia and sexism, and our belief that women, and by extension homosexual men, are inferior, we need look no further than the messages we transmit to boys. The most effective way to humiliate a boy is to accuse him of having feminine traits, which is what the “fag” embodies.

As one teenage boy put it, “to call someone gay or fag is like the lowest thing you can call someone.”

This is largely because it is tantamount to a boy or man being called a girl or a woman. In a patriarchal society rooted in the belief of male superiority and the exercise of male dominance, that is a demotion: a huge loss not only of status but humanity. Gay men are reviled because they are seen as gender traitors, relinquishing the rewards and undermining the universal rules of patriarchy no matter how masculine or sexist they may be.

Our communities have empowered words like “faggot” and “gay” with the power to permanently and irrevocably stain. Kids and adults use them because they work. They wound. They kill. We cannot adequately take on bullying in our schools until we commit to challenging the violence, sexism and homophobia that operate in our communities, our homes and our hearts.

Schools have to become more responsive to the harassment that takes place on their grounds whether or not alerted by parents. Apparently, the officials from both schools minimized the severity of the issue. Their reluctance to act signals gross negligence, irresponsibility and a lack of empathy.

It is one thing to tell a child not to bully another child. It is quite another to teach a child how to respect difference and diversity. Children can be raised to appreciate and admire feminine and other traits not commonly associated with masculinity.

We must intervene to save our boys from a lifelong patriarchal crusade to control or crush girls, women and boys who are not hard enough. In doing so, we can let go of toxic rearing messages that prepare our boys and men to torment or be tormented in a male-dominated culture that values hardness and macho posturing above real and varied human expression regardless of gender.

Instead of “manning up” by pounding our chests, we as black men can step up and revise how we regard women and girls, transgenders, lesbians and gays. There are black men who will challenge sexism and homophobia in their families and discussions at Starbucks.

We need you to “come out” in public forums, call your school board officials and otherwise give evidence to the world that you exist. We need your testimony.

We now witness the consequences of turning our backs to peer torture and telling our boys to “man up.” Carl and Jaheem have paid the ultimate price for a “man up” culture. As men, let us get up and take responsibility for the communities we share and the children we help to raise.

Are we not men?

Craig Washington is Preventions Program manager at AID Atlanta. He can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .